I know I have been silent for some time now, but I am a very busy concept that deals with people far more important than you, I'm sure you understand. In either case, I am writing you all to remind you that today, the fourteenth of February, is the Feast of Saint Valentine, or Valentine's Day if you prefer. What a martyred early church saint has to do with love and romance is of no consequence to me, and as such, is of no consequence to you either. The only thing that matters is impressing your significant other with expensive items that show him or her your undying love for them. After all, nothing says "love" like spending a whole bunch of money on someone with the hopes of engaging in unmentionable human contact later in the evening.
I am aware that there is a growing movement of individuals who do not believe in the power of Valentine's Day and often times scoff at its celebration. I want to assure everyone that these so-called 'single' people are on the fringes of society and you should ignore or openly shun them. Regardless, I would like to take this time to openly address their criticisms one at a time.
1. Valentine's Day is a day for corporations to convince people they must spend large amounts of money to show their love for each other.
Funny statement coming from someone who loves no one and has no one who loves them. Everyone else seems to understand that money and love are synonymous. In fact, I believe that normal Americans know that a successful Valentine's Day gift must cost no less than three paychecks (more if you're a lazy poor person).
Even children seem to understand this concept as they spend much money on candy and cards for their peers. I think the real question, single people, is why can't you see this? Unless, of course, you're less intelligent than children...
2. Valentine's Day excludes single people and unfairly reminds them of their marital status.
Well boohoo, it's your fault that you're a single freak on the fringes of society. Instead of pouting that you don't have someone for whom to buy things, why don't you buy the splendid, seasonally marked-up chocolates and eat them while you cry over your feelings of inadequacy? Just make sure you don't choke in the process, fatty, Easter is coming soon.
3. Shouldn't lovers show their love for each other all the time instead of just one day out of the year?
Whoever said this is absolutely correct! Lovers should most CERTAINLY show their love for each other all the time instead of just on Valentine's Day. If people continually buy things for each other throughout the year, I grow stronger and so does their love, it's a win-win!
4. What does the Feast of Saint Valentine have to do with spending lots of money on your significant other?
What does the birth of Jesus Christ have to do with spending lots of money on Christmas? It's the same question and has the same answer. Jesus WANTS you to spend all your money on gifts (most notably Lexuses and diamonds) so that I can continue to thrive and offer you more fine products! Clearly the fundamental, core principle of Christianity is that the rich shall inherit the Earth. Jesus also says that single people are stupid and should shut their mouths while focusing on changing their condition.
I could continue to address the concerns of these filthy, ungrateful plebeians, but I think you, the normal, hardworking people of America understand my point. With that said, ensure that you spend a great deal this Valentine's Day. During these times of paranoia concerning a supposed 'economic collapse', it is even more important to go all out to impress your significant other and show the conspiracy theorists that you don't believe their lies. So go ahead, buy that super expensive diamond ring! You get that luxury car! And kids, make sure you get the most expensive candy at the store as to not be outdone by your peers! Love is in the air and it is a beautiful shade of green.