Hi, it's us, the consumers. What plans do you have for Thanksgiving? I know I can't wait to eat, eat, eat and watch football and enjoy hysterical Target commercials all about me!
Also, I must thank you for being so gracious for inventing Black Friday to offer us consumers such great deals. I know you demand lack of sleep, shoving, pushing, and the occasional death from trampling, but you are oh so merciful.
I mean that 40% off that 10 by 10 foot flat screen TV is worth a consumer death here and there. After all, we are many! Just remember that I want to continue to serve you by buying with the mad hope and the silent desperation that eventually I will be satisfied.
Thank you for your thoughtful letter and I apologize for the late response, however, as you said, I have been busy stuffing my face with food and watching the great National Football League on the 200 inch plasma television I bought during last year's holy day dedicated to myself.
I want to take a minute and talk about that most holy of days, Black Friday. I mentioned before that my 200 inch plasma television was purchased last year. This is most embarrassing that I would wait a whole year before purchasing another TV, but within a few hours I shall rectify this, as shall millions of consumers, just like you!
You are most welcome for the grand deals I offer on my primary holy day and I shall reward your grateful heart with an extra 30% off! Regrettably these deals cannot simply materialize out of nowhere and I require the deaths of at least thirty Wal Mart employees (the younger, the better), only then will I have the power to make that price come down. Even then, a word of caution, only the strong can claim such a prize, so I strongly suggest purchasing a weapon before you come to celebrate my magnificence.
In conclusion, I do not want your mind to be troubled by the lies that are fed to you by malcontents that I am sick and in my death bed. Quite the contrary, I am alive and well, but I need you to help keep me that way through your purchases so I can continue to shower you and others like you with my eternal blessings!
Keep the faith, dear consumers!