Monday, February 13, 2012

Nothing Says Love Like Green

Greetings America,

I know I have been silent for some time now, but I am a very busy concept that deals with people far more important than you, I'm sure you understand.  In either case, I am writing you all to remind you that today, the fourteenth of February, is the Feast of Saint Valentine, or Valentine's Day if you prefer.  What a martyred early church saint has to do with love and romance is of no consequence to me, and as such, is of no consequence to you either.  The only thing that matters is impressing your significant other with expensive items that show him or her your undying love for them.  After all, nothing says "love" like spending a whole bunch of money on someone with the hopes of engaging in unmentionable human contact later in the evening.

I am aware that there is a growing movement of individuals who do not believe in the power of Valentine's Day and often times scoff at its celebration.  I want to assure everyone that these so-called 'single' people are on the fringes of society and you should ignore or openly shun them.  Regardless, I would like to take this time to openly address their criticisms one at a time.

1.  Valentine's Day is a day for corporations to convince people they must spend large amounts of money to show their love for each other.

Funny statement coming from someone who loves no one and has no one who loves them.  Everyone else seems to understand that money and love are synonymous.  In fact, I believe that normal Americans know that a successful Valentine's Day gift must cost no less than three paychecks (more if you're a lazy poor person).

Even children seem to understand this concept as they spend much money on candy and cards for their peers.  I think the real question, single people, is why can't you see this?  Unless, of course, you're less intelligent than children... 

2.  Valentine's Day excludes single people and unfairly reminds them of their marital status.

Well boohoo, it's your fault that you're a single freak on the fringes of society.  Instead of pouting that you don't have someone for whom to buy things, why don't you buy the splendid, seasonally marked-up chocolates and eat them while you cry over your feelings of inadequacy?  Just make sure you don't choke in the process, fatty, Easter is coming soon.

3. Shouldn't lovers show their love for each other all the time instead of just one day out of the year?

Whoever said this is absolutely correct!  Lovers should most CERTAINLY show their love for each other all the time instead of just on Valentine's Day.  If people continually buy things for each other throughout the year, I grow stronger and so does their love, it's a win-win!

4. What does the Feast of Saint Valentine have to do with spending lots of money on your significant other?

What does the birth of Jesus Christ have to do with spending lots of money on Christmas?  It's the same question and has the same answer.  Jesus WANTS you to spend all your money on gifts (most notably Lexuses and diamonds) so that I can continue to thrive and offer you more fine products!  Clearly the fundamental, core principle of Christianity is that the rich shall inherit the Earth.  Jesus also says that single people are stupid and should shut their mouths while focusing on changing their condition.

I could continue to address the concerns of these filthy, ungrateful plebeians, but I think you, the normal, hardworking people of America understand my point.  With that said, ensure that you spend a great deal this Valentine's Day.  During these times of paranoia concerning a supposed 'economic collapse', it is even more important to go all out to impress your significant other and show the conspiracy theorists that you don't believe their lies.  So go ahead, buy that super expensive diamond ring!  You get that luxury car!  And kids, make sure you get the most expensive candy at the store as to not be outdone by your peers!  Love is in the air and it is a beautiful shade of green.


Corporate America

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Black Friday - Letters to Me

"Corporate America,
Hi, it's us, the consumers. What plans do you have for Thanksgiving? I know I can't wait to eat, eat, eat and watch football and enjoy hysterical Target commercials all about me!

Also, I must thank you for being so gracious for inventing Black Friday to offer us consumers such great deals. I know you demand lack of sleep, shoving, pushing, and the occasional death from trampling, but you are oh so merciful.

I mean that 40% off that 10 by 10 foot flat screen TV is worth a consumer death here and there. After all, we are many! Just remember that I want to continue to serve you by buying with the mad hope and the silent desperation that eventually I will be satisfied.


The Consumer"

Hello Consumer,

Thank you for your thoughtful letter and I apologize for the late response, however, as you said, I have been busy stuffing my face with food and watching the great National Football League on the 200 inch plasma television I bought during last year's holy day dedicated to myself.

I want to take a minute and talk about that most holy of days, Black Friday.  I mentioned before that my 200 inch plasma television was purchased last year.  This is most embarrassing that I would wait a whole year before purchasing another TV, but within a few hours I shall rectify this, as shall millions of consumers, just like you!

You are most welcome for the grand deals I offer on my primary holy day and I shall reward your grateful heart with an extra 30% off!  Regrettably these deals cannot simply materialize out of nowhere and I require the deaths of at least thirty Wal Mart employees (the younger, the better), only then will I have the power to make that price come down.  Even then, a word of caution, only the strong can claim such a prize, so I strongly suggest purchasing a weapon before you come to celebrate my magnificence.

In conclusion, I do not want your mind to be troubled by the lies that are fed to you by malcontents that I am sick and in my death bed.  Quite the contrary, I am alive and well, but I need you to help keep me that way through your purchases so I can continue to shower you and others like you with my eternal blessings!

Keep the faith, dear consumers!


Corporate America

Monday, November 7, 2011

Greetings and Salutations

Hello America,

I realize you are easily frightened, but fear not, for this is your friend, neighbor, and lover, Corporate America!  Now, you might be wondering, "What does he mean by Corporate America?  Is this a CEO?  A board of directors?  A simple investor?  What?"  The answer to this is simple, I all of them and none of them.  In other words, I am beyond the fine individuals labeled above (and certainly beyond the narrow understanding of you silly proles), for I am the very idea, the heart and soul of the American economy!  I am as I introduced myself, Corporate America!

Now that introductions are over, I would like to inform you that I am writing this letter today to let you know how proud I am of you all for allowing me to advance your civilization!  Since you let me take hold, I have helped to shake off any desire to help the lazy, feckless poor and replaced that giving spirit with the far nobler sense of greed.  I have also helped you all to see the truth behind those no good, dirty unions and their 8-hour days and their 'fair wages'.  In time, we might be able to repair our relationship even more to the point where I might stop sleeping around with other countries whose beds are far more welcoming.

It was nothing personal, the cheating, but for a while there you were looking pretty ugly.  With some time and further makeovers (working longer hours, receiving fewer benefits, and taking major pay cuts, just to name a few), we might be able to rekindle some of our old romance that I now heap upon that sexy vixen, China.

That's all for now, America, but remember what we talked about!  Also, Corporatemas--  I mean, Christmas (it's totally still a religious holiday) is coming soon, so mark your calendars and BUY, BUY, BUY!


Corporate America